The Highs & Lows Of Maintaining A Friendship
Over the pandemic many of us questioned whether our friendships would withstand the enforced separation of the numerous lockdowns we collectively went through.
Some made it, some didn’t.
And that, quite binary distinction, seems to sum up the two common types of friendships we experience. Some friendships survive regardless of how long it’s been since we last spoke or saw each other whilst others demand a more regular up keep.
It is the low maintenance friendship that feels like real love to me. The friendships where there is a mutual understanding that no matter how much time passes since our last contact, it doesn’t mean we are any less of a friend or that any love has been lost.
Lisa Nguyen, 22, found this to be true. Despite her closest friends living in different cities across the country and not being able to see them often, she hasn’t found difficulty in maintaining her friendships, as she explains, "My best friend and I were in all the same classes from year seven, but it wasn’t until I moved away that our friendship became stronger," she continues. "When we do finally get to see each other it’s just easy. We have long conversations and it’s never awkward even though we don’t talk to each other everyday." Lisa adds: "I think of myself as rather low maintenance, you don’t need to message me everyday to still consider me as a friend. I get that everyone has their own life."
“Whilst a close and loving friendship can be a wonderful thing, when you’re joined at the hip it’s easy to lose sight of who you are outside of the friendship. ”
Looking back, for a time I thought of friendship love as a ride-or-die, unbreakable bond between friends. Growing up, I witnessed all sorts of best friend duos on TV who wore matching outfits and BFF jewellery. They did everything together 24/7 and always found themselves in strange situations and adventures. However, these friendships that many of us once idolised, and may have experienced on some level are, for the most part, a cultural myth.
In reality, these intense relationships can boil over into some more overwhelming and toxic rather than being nurturing and fun. Belle Ward, 20, spoke about her past experience of a high-maintenance relationship with her ex-best friend. "She was very different from me," says Belle. "We spent a lot of time together, we lived together, went on walks, cooked together, she always wanted to have sleepovers but I also liked my own company and sometimes it just became overwhelming and draining.” Belle has since become more conscious of how different friendships types can impact her life. "I think we both just came to terms with the fact that our friendship was too much. It's given me boundaries that I’m more aware of now."
Whilst a close and loving friendship can be a wonderful thing, when you’re joined at the hip it's easy to lose sight of who you are outside of the friendship. In psychology research pioneered by John Bowlby, connections are made between how infants were raised and their attachment style as a adult. According to the John Bowlby research, people who experienced secure attachment as a child are effective in giving reassurance, don't ask for a lot of reassurance themselves.
In adulthood, those who fit the ambivalent-anxious pattern are very high maintenance, need a lot of reassurance and if they’re made to feel jealous or insecure, will use protest behaviour to get attention. By applying attachment logic to friendships, one can make sense of why different friendship dynamics tend to require more or less attention than others. By understanding what kind of dynamic you have with your friends, you can better understand each other’s needs whilst also respecting the boundaries set to prioritise yourself where necessary.
It won't always be as binary as high and low maintenance, but it's good to remember that the essence to real friendship love is being able to be yourself and trust that you can be there for each other.