angela lewis.jpg
CHRISSIE_ABBOTT_PUSSPUSS-03.jpg
 
 
___STEADY_PAYWALL___

Paloma Elsesser

Words by Phoebe Lovatt. Photography by Vicky Grout.

I first met Paloma at the New York radio station Know Wave, when we co-hosted a show for International Women’s Day. Listening to her talk intelligently and hilariously on body image, gender politics and her favourite Selena tracks, I could tell this girl was the real deal. Now an increasingly high-profile model who lands campaigns for Nike Women and Pat McGrath, Paloma is doing what she does best: using the platforms she has to voice her opinion on the issues that matter— and proving to the world that she is so much more than a pretty face. 

PL: So technically you’re a fellow Londoner—although you don’t identify as British, right? 

PE: No, I don’t—I identify more with being American. But I was born in London in a tiny bathtub with a midwife named Berry who still lives there and stills comments on my Instagram! My mum’s African American; born and raised in LA. My dad is Chilean and Swiss—his parents left Chile in the late ‘70s because of the coup with Pinochet. He grew up in London from the age of nine. Culturally I’m very sprinkled, but inherently I feel American. 

PL: What are your prevailing memories of your childhood? 

PE: The community that my parents were involved in were these young, black and multicultural parents who hung out so all their kids would hang out too. My dad was a musician, my mum was a teacher. She’s also a writer, a dancer and a Buddhist. My dad’s an Afro-Cuban drummer Rasta. It was just hippieville! We played sports, went to capoeira classes and did Senegalese dancing. It was so weird! Not weird, interesting. You’d grow up with weed all around you, which normalised it all. 

PL: How did you feel about the way that you looked growing up? 

PE: When I went to school I just never knew where I fit in. I felt so awkward. There were kids from black communities that I grew up with who were like, “You’re black, but you talk like a white girl?” My dad is Hispanic but I don’t speak Spanish and you can’t see it in his face, so the Hispanic communities were like, “Who’s this guy?” It was confusing. 

I’ve been chubby my whole life so that was isolating. I remember going into Gap and never fitting into any of the clothes. At the time I kind of combatted the insecurity and isolation by wearing weird clothes and figuring it out for myself. It didn’t really take a toll on me until I got into my teen years. 

PL: You had trouble with drugs and alcohol while you were at school, when did you accept that that was an issue and start making steps towards recovery? 

PE: I started using drugs and alcohol when I was around 12 or 13, at a really young age. It was the answer to all of the insecurity that had been bubbling away for god knows how long. The world doesn’t let girls like themselves. Drugs and alcohol were such an easy and incredible answer at the time, and I didn’t know what else to do. I just swept it up and made it a part of my identity. I felt like it worked for a while but there were points where I thought I should stop—it’s dark. 

PL: What were you taking? 

PE: I was kind of like a garbage truck. I wasn’t doing heroin, but as a tenth-grader I was already over cocaine. I had a group of friends who were into Xanax and drinking was always a part of it. It was a case of whatever eased the pain, but I was too scared of heroin… It was weird, I would do such gross concoctions that were equally as dangerous, and at 16… It was so stupid. 

PL: Did you feel uncomfortable with the way you looked because you felt that you weren’t skinny enough? 

PE: I just felt like it wasn’t right. Like everything was a bit off; money, race, ethnicity, body—all the way down to the insecurities I still have. I used to scan my body from top to bottom: “My ear lobes are too big. My pores are too big.” 

PL: It’s strange that women feel they need to be thin to be sexual, or that it even correlates in any way. 

PE: Yeah, but then in high school I kind of found my flow. I’d spent so much time being big that, despite feeling insecure, if I saw a skinny girl wearing a shirt I wouldn’t think that I wouldn’t be able to wear it. I’d see a way that I could wear it to suit my body. 

PL: That’s probably why you’ve got such fantastic personal style now—because you’ve been a bit more imaginative about the way you put things together. You’ve always had fun with fashion even though society makes you feel you’re not allowed to unless you’re a size four. 

PE: It’s weird because I know how I felt, but I also know how I acted. I felt fat but I always just did it anyway. 

PL: Do you think it’s helped you though? Almost like “fake it ‘til you make it?” Dress confident, act confident? 

PE: Yeah it’s something my dad taught me. “Don’t show people your weakness because they’ll take advantage of it.” I had that as a sort of mantra, but I really don’t know how to answer when people ask me where I get my confidence. I literally have no idea. I know how I have felt, and I know that a lot of people didn’t know that I was that sad about it. 

PL: Do you feel confident now? 

PE: I do, I feel like I can look in the mirror and say: “I look good.” I honestly think the last two years I’ve really felt more grounded in my confidence, but I still falter regularly. I have to acknowledge that I still tap into those looming thoughts and those insecurities. It’s one of my larger frustrations about the whole conversation on confidence and plus size, and all those “real girls” who say “I used to hate myself and now I love myself.” 

PL: I’m interested in the transition. 

PE: I don’t dream about being skinny anymore. Unfortunately, it had to come from external confirmation, you know, that “I am worth it, I am pretty, I can make money, I am special and people do care!” It’s all kind of settled in the last two years. When I do tap into that emotion of feeling unworthy, it’s normal for any girl of any size. 

Women are programmed to think that they’re not good enough, and it’s important to acknowledge that— acknowledge what triggers it and take that into account. 

I think that’s what has helped me to get more confident. I’ve gotten to know myself better. Getting sober and seeing how I am sober—which is still a tyrant at points, I still do fucked-up things. I still self-sabotage. 

PL: Obviously there’s so much more to you than your social media profile, but Instagram has afforded you opportunities to showcase who you are, what you’re about, your style, your attitude, your personality… It’s been a great platform for you. Were you conscious of building up that platform? It’s been an important thing in your career. 

PE: It’s been instrumental, I can’t deny it. I feel lucky to be part of the wave and I think it’s here to stay. What Instagram has allowed me to be is me, and to let people see that. 

PL: And people want to see you. 

PE: Yeah they want to see you. It becomes hard when it’s a job as it becomes weird, like “Oh I don’t want to post too many pictures of myself, I need some texture, I need an old picture.” But I’m super grateful. What I try to do is only post something I’m proud of—even if it’s small or not a big deal—if it’s something I look at and I’m super embarrassed then it shouldn’t be up there. When your personal life becomes your business you have to have some integrity. People are like: “It’s just business”—but my business is me. I have to be completely honest with myself about things. 

PL: The more that we see beautiful women of all sizes, the more that our eyes become comfortable with that redefinition of beauty. 

PE: Yeah and I have to really capitalise on like, wow, it’s working by being me. I have a stomach. I don’t have a huge ass, but I have big thighs. I’m not going to fit in either sample size. People still call me a plus-size model but I don’t mind because it’s way more disarming to tell someone straight. I just don’t like to see those question marks pop up in people’s minds when I say I’m a model and they’re thinking, “Where?” It’s armour for the situation. I’ll say, “Yeah I do plus-size modelling,” and they’re like, “Oh, of course”—you know, that face. It’s easier to swallow than when I say I model and they’re clearly thinking: “Yeah, maybe on Instagram.” 

PL: I remember the day we met so clearly because it was International Women’s Day when we co-hosted that Know Wave show. That was only last year and to watch you and your career grow so much in such a short time has been incredible. How do you feel about the work you are doing now? Where do you want to take it? 

PE: In the modelling sphere I would love to be doing major beauty stuff. I think it’s something so important for girls like me to be included in. Beauty still exists in such a fantastical world and I think that fantasy is to be thin and white. I’d love to be a part of a shift away from that. I mean I am now, but I’d like to do it on a more global scale. 

Also, I’d just like to be healthy and mentally sound. That’s what I really want for myself. I’m not unique in this but I can be such a stress cake, screaming, “I can’t do any of it!” I want to be able to not feel guilty about going to more lectures and sitting in the park when I want to. I know I could but I’m not organised enough yet. 

0J0A7900.png

PL: Mental health is so important and it’s great that you address it as the root of everything. Professional success, physical wellbeing and personal happiness are all rooted in mental health. Even you saying, “I just can’t keep track of something.” Everyone feels like that and to have that awareness that none of it will be “fixed” until your core is more peaceful really reflects your maturity. ‘Cause, that stuff is the work of a lifetime. 

PE: Yeah… I’m conscious of doing daily things to integrate into my life. It’s so hard to sustain depression and anxiety. It’s exhausting. It’s not fun when you want to do stuff but you’re too scared. Opportunities can escape you because you’re so wrapped up in anxiety and depression and that all stems from not doing small things. For example, I have to clean my house every single day. For a lot of people, that’s easy but it’s really hard for me. I used to feel like if I didn’t go to the Laundromat I was a failure. They’re really small tasks that I have to do every day so I don’t swerve into that hamster wheel of “I can’t do that” or “I’m not this”. You know; normal things that people think but don’t talk about. 

PL: I also think it’s about not putting too many conditions on what you need to do to feel that you’re good. It’s about making peace with the imperfections. There’s a fine balance between working out what’s really important for you to do to feel sane and happy and accepting that there’ll always be something dirty and messy in your life. We’re trying every day. 

PE: We are. 

Styling by Lucy Addy, Make-up by Paula Valencia.

This interview originally appeared in Riposte Issue #7.